Pretentious? Moi?

Why I hate trendy people Reason #8: They grow really disgusting facial hair.

Hipster facial hair is definitely not a new topic, I'm pretty sure everyone has witnessed some pretty nasty facial hair. However, I feel it is my duty to report my findings. I'm reporting my findings, as a girl, growing up I noticed that around middle school to the beginning of high school, guys would grow out their little teeny moustaches as a matter of pride. They would go to the bathroom, or sometimes the lunch room, and plot their progress against the other tween boys. I feel this is the attitude hipsters have toward facial hair today.

The hipsters I see loitering around the streets in their groups of trendy followers always are sporting some kind of new moustache. I'll describe the various styles I've noticed in the city.

1. The mountain man, also popular with the lazy or outdoorsy types. This style often comes with overly trendy clothes, in order to prove their hipster status. The beard usually protrudes quite a bit, full moustache and beard.
2. The civil war general, this is only for the truly brave/really really stupid. This usually implies a curl at the ends of the moustache, immaculately groomed. Because, officer, you must look presentable.
3. The evil genius, usually a thinner, almost debonaire but just misses the mark, really a truly ridiculous moustache. Just scares small children and animals.
4. The rapist look, usually a slight peach fuzz almost a full stache, but it doesn't get there. This look is popular with hipsters, 13 year old boys, and people who come up as little red dots when searched on a certain sex offender website.

So, as you can see, there are a wide variety of trendy people facial hair options. All of which are equally pretentious. When said trendy people are asked about their facial hair, they'll usually cite some sort of op-ed piece about the death of the facial hair, or perhaps their top 10 favorite famous men with moustaches. Some will even just claim they were bored, no one is bored enough to groom their moustache into points at both ends. I'm just saying. But hey, it's just one trend that I can never follow, and thus never be cool...

On the count of 3, say, "Daddy bought me this and I only know how to use 2 settings!"

Why I Hate Trendy People Reason #7: They all think they're photographers.

Just a quick fact. Everyone can take a picture. You click a button, this is true, everyone knows how to do it. However, being a photographer is different. It requires a knowledge of advanced lighting, positioning, visual, (and I don't know, I'm not a professional) techniques. Just because you own an expensive, digital camera with all the extendable lenses and obligatory extremely high, pixel count, does not make you a photographer. You just want to walk around with it hanging around your neck, catching images that are unusual and made from saturated and enhanced colors. Well congratulations, your quick shutter reflex means you caught a picture of someone in the air, you are the master of photography!

And while we're on the topic of trendy people and pictures, have you ever noticed how the same poses appear over and over again? It's as if there's a hipster code to taking a picture. The goal is always the same, to be unusually beautiful. There's no pride in being typical in any sense. So whatever pose you can do, candidly of course, that makes you look effortless is the one of choice. There are always those looking in the other direction shots, you know the type, with the half smile that say "I know I'm dressed better than you are, and over there is something incredibly interesting, so I just can't face you..." That pose along with the sitting on the curb, are quite popular. It's as if these hipsters say to their friends, hey look at our ridiculous outfits, why aren't we taking pictures so everyone can see how alternative we are? Well guess what. You all do it. You are not alternative, you are typical. You post them to your facebook page, hoping someone will comment on the location so you can name drop some obscure reference. You title your pictures with quotes from songs no one has heard of, just to prove you knew of it first.

Congratulations, you've figured out how to take pictures that make you look like you have far more talent than you do. But hey, all you need is a couple thousand bucks, and you're there. Thanks daddy, that camera you bought me is going to make me look so damn cool...

Mob Personality

Why I hate trendy people Reason #6: They always travel in packs.

Like vicious dogs... or hyenas... or their ultra slim menthol cigarettes.

Do you ever notice how rare it is to see just one trendy person at a time? I've found that whenever I'm feeling particularly bad about my clothing choices I'm facing a group, a herd, a pack of overly trendy people. It is much more often that I see a group of hipsters. All bobbing their fedora-ed douche bag heads in unison. Often discussing matters they seem to find greatly important. Pretending they are the smartest in their pack of dunces, trying to be the one to use the biggest words, the most elegantly constructed sentences, usually it sounds something like this:

"Did you see that (insert super obscure movie title here) is playing at the (just as obscure movie theater, that looks super cheap but still costs at least $10 for a ticket)?

"Why yes, I heard that (foreign film director's name) is receiving a lot of positive press, but I think that the subject of love is so trite these days. Maybe if he had used (obscure actress because she's not good enough to be famous), she was so hauntingly fresh in that (other obscure movie title)."

Usually the sentences are filled with contradictions and -tion words that don't really fit the context, but everyone nods along anyway. No one wants to be THAT GUY, who has to ask what the fuck the other ones are talking about.

Also, in these packs of hipsters, there's a certain dress code. It is as such:

1. Androgynous pair of shoes
2. Non-prescription thick rimmed glasses
3. at least 4 accessories (i.e. belts, hats, unisex jewelry...)
4. Jeans tight enough to see EVERYthing

Next time you're strolling along behind a group of modern day philosophers all competing to be the next Nietzche hating on the state of the world and such, eavesdrop a bit, maybe you'll discover the secret to being so damn cool...

Forecast says, there's a brainstorm coming in

Why I hate trendy people Reason #5: They don't believe in weather.

I am aware that I am an incredibly sensitive weather wuss. If it is 50 degrees outside, I'm bundled in a scarf and 5 shirts. That being said, there is no denying weather exists... unless you're trendy. If you're trendy, you think you dictate the weather. It doesn't matter if it's below 30, you're in tights and a dress regardless.

But where it really gets me, are the shoes. Obviously they're not in style, but it is ridiculous that the same trendy people who 3 years ago were wearing their juicy sweatsuits and UGG(ly) boots every day from November to March have now adopted other trends. While I personally hate the juicy sweatsuits and LOATHED the ugg boots, I understood it. It was cold out, it made sense to wear pants, a sweatshirt and huge, furry boots that resembled a small woodland creature. Now the trendy people have adopted a new uniform. Leggings, leather boots, jacket, but at least they're wearing a scarf. The look that has also been a hit this fall is the jean cutoffs over tights. Explain that one. There is actually no point. Tights bring you minimal to no added warmth, and style-wise, JUST PICK ONE!

Finally, I have to give a compliment. I know this breaks with the long standing 5 day tradition of bashing people that I've created, but let's take a moment to praise those ridiculous hats that are in style this season. Ear flaps? Fantastic. Let's all give snaps to whoever brought those back. I don't think anyone could have foreseen the rise in popularity of the hats that look like they're made of the throw up of a cat who's been naughty unraveling yarns of all colors. And especially some big ups to whoever brought back those plaid hunting caps. Brightly colored hunting attire hasn't been so popular since Dick Cheney left office. I think even Dick Cheney would be surprised that Dick Cheney's clothes would ever be considered cool...

Hipsters killed the radio star

Why I hate trendy people Reason #4: They have commandeered indie music and are corrupting it.

Indie music used to be an amalgamation of every kind of music that evaded a label. There was rap, there was rock, there was music for every kind of person who was done listening to music that made their ears bleed from the stupidity of it. Now where is indie music? In every 12 year olds favorite music section in the info part of their facebook profile. What could be the cause of this?

1. Sell-outs. Indie darling bands that quickly jumped to a bigger label as soon as their bills got too expensive. I think we all know who I'm talking about here...
2. Al Qaeda? Now, that's just silly.
3. TRENDY PEOPLE! They are at the root of all evil commercialization of music.

There used to be a place for poorly dressed, under appreciated, angry people to listen to the jams that got them through the drive home. The "low end of the dial", used to be reserved for students who had no other place to go, the people who were tired of the sugar coated, computer manufactured voices that corrupt the minds of young girls and give boys unrealistic expectations of those young, corrupted girls. This was the safe haven for anyone who just didn't care about where their music was classified. Then trendy people swooped in once again, stole that unidentifiable music and slapped another designer label on it. It was no longer that obscure band that you happened upon just by chance, it became "indie" and "alternative", and that label turned into more; elegantly disheveled by Marc Jacobs. Alterna-chic by Prada.

There went the once pure musical genius that was the unnamed, the special, the different from all the other mass produced kind of music. Now, indie is a genre on itunes. A special XM satellite radio station no longer restricted, or rather privileged, to the low end of the dial. Now indie is just another label to have purposefully sticking out of your button-down, "boyfriend" fitting, cardigan collar. Thank you trendy people. You have once again poisoned something so sweet and innocent as the nameless safe haven for musical outcasts. And all in the name of trying to be cool...

SAVE OUR OLD PEOPLE!

Why I hate trendy people Reason #3: They are cheating poor old men out of their winter clothes.

Don't get me wrong, old people are fine... I'm not the biggest fan of hanging out with them, but I respect their right to do their thing. But I put my foot down when it comes to their clothing. Old people have every right to dress like old people. They have earned it, they wore heels and form fitting things back in their day, things that were far more uncomfortable than anything I wear. They get to rock their high wasted pants, Joseph's technicolor dream coat inspired sweaters, and bald spot covering hats. As probably the least trend inspired age group, they wear the clothing we all dream about getting to wear when we're old enough to throw our dentures up in the air, and wave them like we just don't care. The foreseeable paradise for slobs like me, is in danger. Trendy people have usurped old people's right to clothes and taken them for their own.

How many times from behind have you seen someone with short hair and a big sweater and thought to yourself, "Oh how nice, that old man is enjoying the park", only to be viciously mistaken when the person turns around and turns out to be a trendy female smoking a menthol cigarette. TOO MANY TIMES! When will it end? When will the old people get their right to tacky clothing back? When will the sequined sweatshirts, the nature inspired t-shirts, and the ugly shoes belong to the old people again? We must fight the hipsters, and let the old men in Goodwill be the ones to buy the oversize, overused, overly-colorful sweaters. What else are we grandchildren supposed to buy for our loving old people? The hipsters are cheating us out of our well planned gifts. We must band together to stop them. Otherwise the old people will no longer be cool, just cold.

Enchanté hipster

Reason 2: They love name dropping names that are difficult for us mere mortals to pronounce.

If you ever ask a trendy kid their favorite writer/philosopher/critic they will always reply with a name that is in a different language. I'm not trying to hate on people with foreign names, I'm just saying that trendy people are drawn to that which is the most obscure and condescending. This is only one element of said condescension. Top 5 theorists/philopsophers from students at NYU, which is of course the trendiest school of them all:

1. Jean Paul Satre (of course, his name has sparked many a debate, and requires an accent in order to be pronounced)
2. Roland Barthes (I mean come on, his name is ROLAND. What's trendier than a doubly hard to pronounce name)
3. Friedrich Nietzsche (Plus it has like 7 extra letters in the name. Proves trendy people like other languages too, not just French)
4. Carl Jung (It's deceptively tricky, not just any reader can pronounce it)
5. Stephen Colbert (Okay, I'm just not trendy enough to know more than 4)

So if you're ever in doubt of which store on the block, or book in the store, or class in college is the trendiest, look for the hardest to pronounce. Put on your faux authentic tortoise shell glasses and your best French accent. Look at you, you're cool.

Black is the new Black

I know it seems quite out of place, for a person so against trendy people to create a blog, but I figure since a movie has now been based off a blog, I'll be fine. Thank you Julie Powell. I am aware that I am contributing to the corruption and commercialization of the written word, but not wasting paper is one trend I don't mind following. Why I Hate Trendy People Reason 1: They love wearing ironic clothing... clothing cannot be ironic. What is irony?

1. the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite of its literal meaning
2. an outcome of events contrary to what was, or might have been, expected.
3. the incongruity of this.
4. an objectively sardonic style of speech or writing.

Dear mister hipster in the varisty jacket from a high school you didn't even go to. You are not ironic. It is doubtful that you ever have run more than a mile in your life, judging by your teeny-tiny chicken legs shown off by your overly tight pants. Varsity jackets are not cool when they are worn by people who actually earned them, which for the record includes myself even though I never ever bought a jacket, they are even less cool when worn by people who could not ever earn them. And just another note, the green satin jacket just looks stupid with that huge knitted hat with ear flaps. I'm tired of seeing hipsters in their so-called ironic garb littering the streets with their "I'm too good to look at you" pouts. Clothing cannot be ironic. It is not ironic to wear a mickey mouse sweater and call it ironic. It's childish or it's wistful or just creepy, but not ironic. Trendy people think they can get away with any clothing choice by calling it ironic. So perhaps if I were to wear my sweatpants with a bit more apathy or a condescending glare, I too could be ironic and trendy. Thank you trendy people for making looking stupid cool, oh no, you just look stupid. Too bad I didn't save those sweaters from my grandparents that I got when I was about 8 that look like the loom threw up every yarn it had left in the factory. Maybe then I'd be cool...